Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"How To Pick the Right Wife", or "Taylor's Dissection of a Douchebag's Blog Post"

Earlier today while I was eating lunch at work, I was browsing Twitter on my phone - as I am wont to do. Upon reading it, one of the people I follow, Tara, from Radio Dead Air, decided to alert us all to the fact that this guy is apparently a thing that exists, and he wrote an article that also exists. You can find it here.

Upon reading said article, I made a vow that once I returned home (and got over my subsequent shock) I would break down this undoubtedly essential advice on woman-wrangling. And now I am, so without further ado!


Picking the right wife is of utmost importance. Marriage is a life-long commitment and requires a great deal of forethought. Getting married without a plan and without any forethought is a terrible decision.

Well, I suppose that has some truth to it. One shouldn't get into a life-long contract if they don't really like the person they're tying themselves down to, and you do need to actually put some thought into contracts. Because contracts are, like, important and stuff.

Marriage isn’t about love or connecting with your soul-mate. Those are inventions of TV and movies. Marriage is an exchange of resources. Your wife shall provide A and you will provide B. If you’re wife doesn’t, or won’t, provide her share then she should not have the privilege of marriage with you.

....aaaand you lost me. That was quick! Yeah, who cares about that whole "love" thing. I mean, if I want someone tied to my waist for life, I'm gonna be thinking about the business aspects, and not "Hey, do I actually wanna be waking up next to you for the next several decades?" Who the hell thinks about THAT?

There are only two reasons a man should ever get married:
1) He wants to start a family.

2) His career or political ambitions demand he has a wife (he is interested in going into politics).  We will not talk about this except to say that a political wife is for show and show only. For this article we will assume the reader falls into the first category.

There is absolutely no other reason to ever get married. Love is not a reason to get married. When you get married you sign all your power over to your wife – it must be of some benefit for you to do so. That benefit is to grow old with your family.

People know my views on being childfree pretty clearly already, so I'm gonna try to withhold on that for now. And all political wives are for show, apparently? Huh. The President must be doing a damn good job at faking.

Also, signing over all power to your wife? That sounds like a bad idea, even to me. Something tells me this guy might be a tad bit bitter - just a smidgen.

The goals of a marriage should be:
1) Minimize the chance of divorce theft and child robbery.

2) Maximize wife’s happiness with her wifely and motherly duties (the complete opposite of everything you will see, read or hear). It’s not about empowerment (or any other buzzword designed to kill the modern family), she should be completely devoted to her family. True happiness for a woman comes from her family, it does not come from her career, or her “independence”, or her sexually liberated point of view.

3) Have a healthy, happy family with well educated, respectful children – non-sissified sons and girlish daughters with strong family values.

.....*twitch*

Where do I start with this? Okay, let's go in order. First off! If one of the most important goals of marriage is to actively forsee it most likely failing, YOU SUCK AS SOMEONE TO BE MARRIED TO. When I get married, I'm planning on actually trusting in the marriage's success, not telling him "I'm gonna marry you, but I don't trust you, so I'm gonna actively plan so that you don't steal any potential offspring and all of my money, you filthy golddigger."

Second of all, anybody who says that a woman should only care about her family and nothing else, and that a woman can only be happy from being a wife and mother really, really pisses me off. I'm gonna use my own mother for an example. She's been married to my Dad for 23 years, and has had four children. She's been devoted to my Dad and to us for a long, long time. She's kickass at the whole wife and mothering thing. But that's not the only thing she does.

If my mom only focused on cleaning house, and cooking, and taking care of us, I'd be worried, because that sounds like the most miserable existence on the planet. And she realizes this. She runs house just fine, but she also has her own hobbies, her own interests, and she still finds time to go hang out with friends or go out on dates with Dad. She's an inspiration to me and to anybody else who sees her. That is finding the balance and "doing it right."

And as for not finding true happiness from my career, my "independence" (note the quotation marks) and my sexually liberated point of view? Go fuck yourself.

Most men don’t want an “independent, empowered” woman. That’s code for bitchy slut with a chip on her shoulder.

We all want a sweet, nice, joyful, feminine woman who treats her man like a King.

Oh, really? Because I think my boyfriend likes the fact that I don't rely on him for everything and that I'm not some doormat who only does as she's told. I wouldn't want any girlfriend of mine to be like that either. Seriously, that's creepy. And I treat my boyfriend great, even while still actually having those pesky traits like self-confidence.


1) She should be young.
The woman should 30 years of age MAXIMUM. 25 is even better and 20 is the best age.
A womans body does not age well. You want the most amount of years with your wife having a tight, young, firm body. After 30 it goes downhill fast. At around the age of 31 a woman’s beauty really declines fast.

Wow, I had no idea!! I'm 24, I'm on the express train to hagsville! Once I hit 30 there's no turning back! Oh god! Stop the presses! MUST FIND HUSBAND TO VALIDATE SELF!!!


2) She has to come from an intact family with original mother and father.
No step-mommies and step-daddies. Children from single mommy homes cannot be healthy. A mother simply cannot raise healthy children alone or with step-daddies. You want an emotionally healthy wife. Women who grew up with divorce have too much baggage, use sluttery as a way to get attention from daddy, and will not know how to act in a proper family setting.

As someone who's dating someone from a single-parent household, FUCK YOU.

 
3) She cannot believe in divorce or even imagine getting a divorce.
If she mentions the word ‘divorce’, what to do in case of divorce, praises a friend who got a divorce, or says divorce is an option then she is not a keeper. Throw her back in the water and go fishing some more.
To make a marriage work, both the man and wife must think of divorce as no option at all.

Despite the fact that you made it one of your main focuses when getting into a marriage, but I guess that's one of those things that's only acceptable if a man does it, because if a wife considers divorce, that just makes her a greedy whore!


4) She must have the natural body type you prefer.
Every woman will gain a few pounds when they settle with a man. It’s unavoidable. What is unacceptable is a woman blowing up to whale proportions. If a woman was once very fat, lost the weight on crash diets and ultra-gym sessions, that weight will ALL come back plus more when she gets married.
If she has to constantly diet and go to the gym she is about to blow up like a balloon when the ring is on her finger and the vows are spoken.
You must pick the natural body type you like. That means she must have the same body type her whole life, never yo-yo’ing up or down in weight.
She should have a pretty face. When her body goes the only thing that will be left is her face and you will have to see it every single day.

So...you're villifying women for being fat, but saying that if she does something to actually fix that, she's not good marriage material because she can't just keep the weight off by only dieting once? Sounds legit.

6) She must be family oriented and not career oriented.
This is going to be the mother of your children and the keeper of your house. An Ass-kicker doesn’t need two incomes, he can provide, what he needs is a keeper of home and heart.
Two income households leave the raising of their children to expensive day cares and schools, and then mommy goes to work so they can afford to pay for day care and babysitters.

"I don’t want children."
Don’t get married. The only reason to get married is to have a family.

*twitch*

"But I want a career woman."
Doesn’t matter, even if she is a career woman when you meet she will not be when she is older. No woman wants to work but it takes some of them a long time to figure that out. They waste all their youth playing/working their career and then realize what a huge mistake they made and leave their jobs to take care of their (quite possibly retarded – that’s what happens when old ladies have babies) child. How many 45 year old married female lawyers or other professionals do you know?
The women who work in middle age do so because they have no choice and they whine about it every day of their life. They would give anything to leave their jobs and take care of their family instead.
No woman truly wants to work. Work is a mans world and always will be. A woman’s work should be in the home taking care of the home and children.

Wow, I must be doing it all wrong, because I'm a woman who actually enjoys working! And I'm planning on having a career and kicking ass at it because it's not JUST a man's game. Also, "quite possibly retarded" -  go fuck yourself with a rusted spoon.


7) She must be a “good” girl.
She cannot be a drinker or a smoker or have any tattoos. She cannot have a party girl past, a sordid past, and she cannot have gone out more than a couple times drinking. You cannot turn a whore into a housewife. The more sexual partners she has had the more likely the marriage will end in divorce.

"Are you saying all party girls, smokers and drinkers are sluts?"
Yes.

The fewer sexual partners your wife has had, the better. The ideal wife should be a virgin. Remember: The more sexual partners she has had the more likely you are to be divorced in about 6 years and lose most of your money, possessions, and your children.
If you think she needs help or that you are helping her and she is changing then you are being foolish and you are being played. It’s going to end badly for you when you get hitched to a woman like this.
Always pick a good girl. That means a virgin (or close), family oriented, pleasant, eager to help, a smiler, and patient.

Of course, if a MAN happens to be any of these things, then he can't help it and the girl is just being picky. Also, requiring your bride to be a virgin has very creepy connotations to it.


9) She should change herself for you.
When a woman is in love she will change herself to please and conform with you. Her new favorite food will become steak and eggs, she will enjoy watching all six Rocky movies with you, and she will do things to please you she has never done or liked before.

"I don’t want a woman who flip-flops!"
A woman who doesn’t flip-flop is a woman who does not respect you.

Women are not men and should not be held to the standards of men. A man who changes his views on the whims of a woman is a sissy. A woman who changes her views on the whims of a man is a woman who is in love. She should not be degraded for that because that’s what ‘keepers’ do.

And here is where we get into some seriously creepy territory. If someone doesn't like me as I am, then they're not a good potential mate. There is such a thing as compromise, there is such a thing as indulging each other's interests. To say that the man being expected to share views with the woman is "weak", and that the woman should change every single thing about herself in order to be desirable makes you an abusive douche. I'd rather have a woman who actually knows what she wants and has some fucking standards and intelligence, thank you very much. And fuck you for thinking that any guy who has a shred of empathy for a woman is a "sissy." Not all guys have to be held to your bizarre standard either.

11) She should not have any children from a previous affair.
In the animal kingdom when a Lion takes over a pride he kills the cubs of other Lions.
Raising someone else’s child is cuckoldry with your full knowledge and consent.
If you raise someone else’s child you will be taking care of another mans seedling and there will always be another man in the picture.
Be selfish and keep your wife and children to yourself. They should be yours and only yours. Don’t settle for another mans leavings and sloppy seconds.
Here is what women with children do: They have unprotected sex with a stud, get knocked up, and look for a sucker to raise the bastard.
or..
She has already been married, had children, and then divorced the father and left.
In each case the woman is unfit for marriage.

Looks like somebody has an inferiority complex! Isn't that cute? :D

American women have been indoctrinated since birth to believe in and embrace divorce. They have been indoctrinated and instructed to believe that their feminine instincts are wrong and bad. This causes a great deal of confusion in their minds and, to put it plainly, many of them are unfit for marriage and raising a family. Especially avoid women who use psychiatric drugs and especially avoid women who go to therapy. Therapy only makes women more insane and teaches them to blame men more for their problems.

Yeah, because going to therapy and actually getting help for one's problems is a sign of being "crazy." They're probably gonna need even more therapy after being in a relationship with you.

If a woman cannot or will not cook daily, how will she ever care for children? She can’t. To raise non-fat children you must marry a woman who can and will cook.

"Quick, mom! Whip up a cake before Dad fires ya!" - Bart Simpson

As a man your options do not dwindle as you age. Your options only increase with your age and wealth. Conversely, as a woman ages her options plummet. That’s because men age gracefully, like a fine wine, and women age like milk. That’s why you must pick a beautiful young lady. It is highly advisable for a man to wait until he is a little older to get married. 30 years of age is an acceptable starting age for a man to start thinking of marriage.

Are you kidding me? I've seen 70 year old women who look stunning, and 40 year old men who look like they're a day away from the grave. Fuck you.

Never, ever take advice from a woman on how to be attractive to women. Be nice, be yourself, be courteous, buy her gifts only works to put you in the friend zone and rightfully so because it’s pathetic behavior.


Aaaand mark! I was wondering when those two words were gonna be dropped!

 Men are not women and women are not men. Things that women should do do not apply to men and vice versa. Double standards exist. That’s life.

Uh...no it's fucking not.

You are the leader. She is the follower. Lead her.
When she loves and respects you she will enjoy all things about you. She will not demand and nag you into changing. If you smoke a big fat cigar and your clothes smell like an ashtray she will enjoy the smell. She should want to sleep in one of your shirts because it has your smell. That’s the power you should have over your wife for her to be happy and content.

Again, that's fucking creepy. If I ever was misguided enough to get into a relationship with you, I'd think you were going to hide me in the closet until you needed me for sex or cooking, but only if I don't eat any of it myself.

Picking a woman from your own country and culture is always the best solution. Unfortunately, there is wholesale, systematic destruction of marriage and family in many 1st world countries, especially America and England, which has narrowed the options tremendously. One may have a broader selection if he were to go abroad to another country country where marriage and family are still valued. But, and this is a big but, think long and hard before you marry a woman of another race and father half-breed children.
Remember, it is best to marry a woman of your culture and race. If that option is unappealing for the reasons described above there is a whole, big, wide world for you to choose from.

Oh, so you're racist too. Good to know.

I really, REALLY hope this guy is not actually married, because if he is, GOOD GOOD THAT POOR WOMAN. RUN. RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT BECAUSE IT DOES. CHEW THROUGH THE BINDS AND GO.

On the plus side, I'm even more excited to destroy traditional marriage! :D

6 comments:

  1. Men are not women, and women are not men, but apparently people are lions? Good to know.

    Or maybe he was referring to the Detroit Lions. It was capitalized after all.

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    Replies
    1. Considering the outpouring of intelligence from the rest of his writings, I'm not surprised he fails at capitalization.

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  2. I treacly adore you for writing those comments xD some of the even made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. Wow, thank you! I appreciate that so much! :D

      Glad I could offer some laughter. :)

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  3. Good dissection. And there's a rebuttal! http://jezebel.com/female-purity-is-bullshit-493278191

    ReplyDelete